“it IS your only hope of being a writer. Writers have to say the things they’re scared to say.” – A piece of advice Polly Vernon gave me.
I think it may come across to my friends and followers already but I’m not a man that is used to self-doubt. In fact such are my levels of self-assuredness and confidence that I’m often perceived as arrogant, cocky, or as my best fried often tells me a man so in love with himself he probably thinks Batman had a poster of him on his wall.
I have a belief that I can do things if I apply myself, that I can overcome most things, that I can hit the heights I want to. But I felt it was more that if I could’t back myself to do something then I shouldn’t try as I’d fail regardless if I didn’t.
And then it happened. At a time when my writing and site is gaining traction, when after more than 4 years of trying, hard work, fighting, and struggle to carve out a place as a writer it all changed. At a time when doors are opening I lost confidence in everything I write.
Everything I type or scrawl in a notepad seems turgid, forced crap. I don’t feel I’ve produced anything worthwhile in months, to such a point that even after the most wonderful and successful fashion week I’ve ever had I was moments away from quitting and giving up. Literally I was seconds away from clicking delete on my entire site.
I’m still struggling with it all, the desire to shy away from chances to do things, chances to write, to interview, t tell the stories I once wanted to be my entire life. But and its a slow but, step by step I’m clawing my way back. There are some people that have been so supportive, have told me off, told me I’m not allowed to quit, they have given me time and care that has helped me start back to believing that I may get through it.
I realised how much a part of my life it had all become, that I was consumed by the love of fashion I have. I really have no idea how I’d fill my time if I walk away. but after nearly 6 moths I’ve stopped worrying about it, eased back, and given myself space, I sort of feel like I’m falling in love with it again, and finally I think I might get through this.